THE AUDACITY. 馃槫
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Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that鈥檚 how they fuel their spaceships?
Me: I鈥檓 not wearing a mask. It鈥檚 ineffective and it鈥檚 just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Hamburger Hinderer.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where鈥檇 he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn鈥檛
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
bartender: what鈥檚 wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that鈥檚 excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.