Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
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Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
what’s the point then??
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all