The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
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ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
A ghost story
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂