“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
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Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
uncle dave has been through hell
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.