Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
You Might Also Like
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
every. time.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked