Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
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It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Thrilling chase underway
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*