Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
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whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.