LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
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I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
i smell a pulitzer
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.