Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
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me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Meow
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home