[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
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Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*