“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
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*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.