I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
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Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I like long walks away from everyone
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]