Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
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I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Worth remembering.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u