People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
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Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
c’mon!
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
#Caturday
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Still a very good boi….
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.