Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
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That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I put the p in pants.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
We need to put an American base on the sun
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.