Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
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[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
When I snag the last meatball.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing