older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
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We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.