The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
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Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.