Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.