I have a new favorite meme page
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Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice