* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
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Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
the dark web is just a goth google.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Still laughing at this stupid meme
a lot to unpack here
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.