No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
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Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
All set.