You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
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I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.