ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
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HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given