I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
You Might Also Like
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish