I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
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There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Oceanography is all about current events
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
bias laundering edition
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.