[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
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They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.