Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
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I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Camping tip: No.