Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
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There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Education is vital
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins