Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
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*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.