Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
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[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not