This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
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You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Lmaoo 😂
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children