My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
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my professor scared me for a second
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
same vibe as tangled headphones
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Flowers bee like
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.