[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
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I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE