I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
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1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this