if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
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If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”