Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
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In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
real
the official breakfast of 2021
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.