[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
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Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.