Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
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Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore