*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
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no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.