Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
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My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!