my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half