Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
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“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.