If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
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*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
first you must answer his riddles
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER