My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
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When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Tell me you get it…🤣
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.