The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
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Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Social distancing in Australia:
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Never let them know your next move 😂
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”