7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
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“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
life finds a way
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.