Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
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The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.