Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
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Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.