Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
You Might Also Like
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it